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You can have big aspirations, but then you realize your skill level or your insecurities are holding you back. So you start to hate yourself, because it’s so frustrating!
by Interview with Twigs about LP1

great blog 

i want to challenge myself between now and next year, learn things, stick to ‘em. mature in some areas, be more disciplined when it comes to my creative pursuits. pick up responsibilities, follow them through. keep in touch with my immediate family and extended family.

jumped out of bed with an idea that sprung to mind, ‘i’m going to be a creative director of some sort’ 

i’m lazy as hell and i’m constantly finding interesting means of distraction. sticking to commitments is always a struggle for me seeing as almost everyday my horizon seems to change.

and always always always, there’s this dichotomy going on in my mind; i’m a form roaming the planet doing/following constructs meanwhile outside of my head/mind every thing else beyond the human world and earth world is just happening regardless and i’m a part of this happening too but living like i’m separate from it. and i feel like to function well in this society and carry on with it i have to block that out or at least push it to the back of my mind or i wouldn’t do things well/take them seriously.

it’s insane i wish i wish i wish and hope that mankind is headed towards a future where we all live aware of these things and fashion living in a way individuals can experience being human fully and embrace the short amount of time we become conscious for before we head back to what was before we were born. to me, the experience of an ‘afterlife’ is what it would have been like being a fetus i.e the non existent memory i have of it. i’d love to converse with people comfortably about these thoughts without it seeming like we’ve entered a different realm- that’s what it feels like usually, when i have spoken to people it’s felt secretive and ‘outside’.

this post took a different turn haha, at first i was just going to quote a few creative directors so i can have a reminder everytime i go on my page. but yeah, i love playing with my mind and experiencing it and my body’s capabilities too- it still fascinates me when i draw realistically.

i just want make things and dream ideas and be human, really. do what comes to me naturally. allow my mind to roam and dance to music and conjure images, feel all sorts of feelings. i need some sort of release, to just fully be.

i guess these are my first steps towards the future i was talking about- one where we can experience what being the forms that we are has to offer for the short time it comes together. 

each time i sit to write my profile for my placement application, my heart does backflips. 

telling myself ‘just do it, just do it’. and then scrutinising each word and sentence structure till i think ‘you know, i’ll take a break’ these breaks end up lasting for days.

'JUST DO IT!'

ok ok

Q

Q

R
Playing with shapes and colour

R

Playing with shapes and colour

0B

0B

B

B

O
It’s exam season now. This is how I procrastinate during exam time.

O

It’s exam season now. This is how I procrastinate during exam time.

Piero Piccioni (Italia,1972) - IL Dio Sotto La Pelle

Listening to this while working on the mural. I’ve been putting it off for a while, everytime I’m about to put pen on paper I’d get so anxious. it’s overdue now so I’ve gotta get it done as soon as I can. 

Project Breakthrough

I don’t even know how it came about but the idea came to mind a few moments ago (after hours- no- weeks of intense ruminating and going through photos for inspiration). It feels so good now that I’ve got something to work with.

This always always happens, all the doubt and anxiety and worrying and then BAM, a short short while before the deadline. Just as well because the mural is due next week *gulp*

Today went well with the kids. The project manager didn’t come so I co-led the session with the deputy head. God! it was nerve racking. I don’t remember the last time I spoke to any person below the age of 11 so it had me wondering how to speak to them and not sound toooo grown up and rigid. But yeah, two kids from each year were supposed to come to a room after lunch break for ‘art’ (that’s what they said when I asked them if they knew the reason for the session. ‘do you guys know what you’re here for?’ ‘art’ i’m smirking remembering their innocent little faces) so altogether there were about 18 of them.

I remember when I was in year 5, we were cheeky little shits at times which made me a little wary about interacting with these kids- I remember one time we made the supply teacher cry, her eyes would be brimming with tears as she tried to keep us under control and we’d just watch in fascination and glee. Luckily no such thing happened today. I’m thinking it was down to environmental influences we were so naughty. But the kids at this school were lovely and much smarter than I remember the average primary school kid being. 

*exhales*

This weekend, I’ll be tackling this fully. I hope this new found inspiration doesn’t fizzle out by then. If it does, I’ll just have to find a way to reignite it.

Murallllll!!

Tomorrow- today (dammti it’s 6am and I’ve gotta be up for 11:30 lbsdlkvnibvl *chants* i’ll be fine, i’ll be fine) 

As I was saying, today, I’ll be going to a local primary school to speak to the kids and do some activities with them in order to get ideas for a mural i’m going to be putting together for some bare walls that need a lil lift in the school building. I’m nervous gahhh. How does one even talk to kids again? I should get a quick snooze. 

What an opportunity this is

From last summer.

From last summer.